


The Road to Happiness is Full of Potholes

by mollieblack



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Drinking, Drunken Confessions, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Getting Together, Happy Ending, Jealous Dan Howell, Jealousy, M/M, Phanfiction, Pining, Reality, Romance, Slow Build, Slow Burn, bad timing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-09
Updated: 2017-06-11
Packaged: 2018-11-12 05:51:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 9,954
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11155572
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mollieblack/pseuds/mollieblack
Summary: Phil has been in love with Dan for years. He's getting worse and worse at hiding it, and when it finally comes out, the tiny bit of hope Phil had that Dan felt the same way is dashed. Phi has to move on and learn to accept that Dan doesn't feel the same, but can Dan take watching Phil move on?Prompt received from amazing reader SkyePenderwick, thank you <3





	1. Chapter One

"Phiiiiiiiilllll bring me my cup of coffee?" Dan called from the other room. Phil sighed, seeing Dan's coffee mug on the kitchen counter. 

"Just come get it yourself! I'm busy!" That wasn't entirely true, Phil was just pouring himself a bowl of cereal, but he really didn't feel like going to the lounge just to drop off a coffee mug.

"But I'm in my browsing position! Pweeeeeeeeese, Philly?" Dan pleaded, and Phil shook his head, rolling his eyes as he scooped up the coffee mug. He hated that he could never say no to Dan. 

"Take your caffeine, maybe it'll help you to be less lazy and stop relying on me for everything." Phil grumbled, shoving the mug towards Dan, almost spilling some.

"Thank youuuuuuuu!" Dan cooed, smiling and shutting his eyes as he brought the coffee to his chest and inhaled the scent of the drink appreciatively. "You're the bestest." Dan opened his eyes and grinned at Phil over the rim of the mug as he lifted it to his lips and took a sip.

"I know." Phil growled, but he was holding back a smile, and they both knew it. 

"You're too good to me." Dan pandered, and Phil rolled his eyes.

"I don't know why I put up with you." He sighed as he left the room to return to his cereal.

"Because you love me, that's why!" Dan called after him, and Phil allowed a small smile to cross his face now that he was in a different room from his friend. The smile fell from his face as quickly as it appeared.

"Yeah, I do, and it sucks." he whispered, picking up his bowl and shoving the sweet breakfast into his mouth. He leaned back against the counter as he ate his cereal.

Phil was tired. He was so tired of pretending. Dan must know by now, right? It wasn't like Phil had been working so hard to hide it lately. He loved Dan, and not in the way you were supposed to love a best friend. He knew it wasn't reciprocated, and at this point it felt like it was a mutual understanding that both of them just silently agreed not to discuss because it would only make things awkward. 

Phil just needed to get over it. He needed to get over it, but he just couldn't seem to do it when there was still the tiniest question, and the  _tiniest_ sliver of hope left in him, that maybe... just  _maybe_ Dan liked him too.

 _Maybe_ Dan didn't know about Phil.  _Maybe_ he was oblivious, and he was harboring some secret crush as well. Phil sighed, shaking his head slightly as he spooned more cereal into his mouth. It sounded like something out of one of the ridiculously romantic fanfictions or 'phanfictions' as their viewers liked to say, written about them. Dan didn't like Phil. Phil was just being stupid, and had let a little crush linger for too long until it developed into something that was going to require a lot more work to get rid of. 

He just wished he knew for sure. He wished he knew if Dan knew. Lately he'd been intentionally being less subtle about it, just to see if Dan would mention something. Phil wasn't brave enough to just come out and tell him, but maybe if he dropped enough hints and talked openly enough, Dan would say something and it'd tip Phil off as to whether or not Dan knew how Phil felt about him.

Phil sighed as he took in their kitchen, still leaning against the counter. He thought back to all the baking videos they had done here. About how many innuendos there were, and how many sex noises Dan made while he ate. Phil smiled a bit at the memory. The first few times Phil had heard these noises he'd become incredibly uncomfortable, worrying that hearing things that erotic coming out of the man he had a crush on might make him a little too... excited... but then he and Dan had spent more time together and moved in, and now these noises were a daily occurrence that were just a quirk of Dan's that Phil incessantly made fun of, while Dan chided him for interrupting his food-gasm.

Phil shook his head fondly at the thought, and allowed his gaze to soften and smooth over, zoning out as he began contemplating his earlier problem. Should he just tell Dan? He really wanted Dan to know. Or at least to know if Dan knew... he still was going back and forth over whether he  _actually_ wanted Dan to know, because he didn't want to lose his friend. He supposed he wanted Dan to know and be okay with it, so best case scenario would be if Dan admitted to already having known about it, because their friendship was still doing fine.

Why did this all have to be so complicated?

Phil sighed as his eyes settled on the bottle of wine they'd been gifted by YouTube when they went to Playlist. They'd intended on drinking it there, but there always seemed to be other alcohol around when they wanted to drink, and it had ended up untouched.

Phil felt a desire to try some now, but then sighed. It was only 11am, was he really going to be someone who drank before noon? He thought this over, considering the fact that he had absolutely no obligations today, and had just intended to sit around on Twitter for the majority of it, and maybe talk to Dan about some new gaming video ideas. 

Honestly, he wanted to and he couldn't find any  _real_ reasons not to, other than societal norms which Phil tried to to subscribe to, so he made his decision and uncorked the wine bottle, pouring himself a generous glass. He put his cereal dishes in the dishwasher and returned to his resting spot against the counter as he began to nurse his glass of wine.

It was sweet. Sweet, with the bitter kick that all alcohol contained, but it was smooth and it travelled through Phil's mouth easily. He kept considering how to get Dan to admit to whether or not he was aware of Phil's feelings, and before he knew it the glass was empty, and he was pouring another, even larger serving.

He turned around from the counter where he was pouring the glass to see Dan standing in the entry to the kitchen, empty coffee mug in hand.

Phil tried to keep his composure, already feeling defensive of his day drinking, but the wine was strong, and Phil was already feeling a flush creep up his cheeks.

"So... rough morning?" Dan asked, raising the mug in his hand towards Phil's glass of wine, indicating Phil's drinking.

"No... just wanted to taste it. Figured why not?" Dan raised his eyebrows but didn't comment further, rinsing his mug out and putting it next to Phil's bowl in the dishwasher.

"Got any plans for the day?" Dan asked as he leaned against the counter opposite from Phil.

"Get wasted and play video games. Then when my coordination fails me, move to a TV show or something." Phil said, taking another sip of wine.

"You _sure_ your morning was alright?" Dan questioned, and Phil nodded assuredly.

"Yeah, this wine's just really good. Want some?" He offered, holding out the bottle. He wasn't sure if he wanted Dan to say yes or no. On one hand, it was good wine and Phil was more and more  _really_ wanting to just get smashed today. He didn't like going out drinking and partying. He also didn't like drinking when he was alone. But being with one friend was good when Phil drank, and today was feeling like a good day to just get hammered, and they only had the one bottle. On the other hand, getting Dan drunk might help loosen his lips and maybe Phil could figure out what Dan knew. 

"You know what, what the hell?" Dan sighed as he took the bottle, pouring himself a glass. "Let's get gnoshed. When we finish this, I picked up two new bottles the other day." Dan said, indicating their liquor cabinet with a nod of his head, and Phil smiled. Good. A day of drinking with Dan. This sounded perfect. 

It started slow. Dan and Phil sat down and played some Mario Kart as they drank. They made a game out of it, where the place you finished in the race was the amount of small sips you had to take. The first race Phil intentionally lost, because he still wanted to be far drunker. He took twelve little gulps, while Dan only took two. As the game continued, they both got worse and worse until they were giggling as they ignored the race altogether, instead just running into each other and picking up shells to throw at each other. Needless to say, they both ended up drinking a lot, and by the end of a few runs, they were sloshed.

"Phiiiiiiiilllll I'm hungryyyyyyyyyyyyyy." Dan whined, and Phil giggled. 

"We can order pizza. And hey... hey Dan..." Phil leaned in, and gestured for Dan to lean in as well, as if Phil was about to tell an extremely exciting secret. "We don't have to walk down all those stairs anymore!"

"HOORAYYYYY!" Dan shouted, raising his hands in the air, and they both giggled as Dan fumbled with his phone. He dialed the pizza delivery, and held the phone up to his ear, looking at Phil and giggling. Phil loved the really deep dimple on the left side of Dan's face, and thanked the universe (not for the first time) that Dan liked to sit on the right during videos, because it meant that Phil got to stare at that adorable and deep dimple even more often. 

"Hey. Hey yeah. Yessssss I want pizzaaaa! I don't know.... what do you like? Yeah! Like..." Dan looked at Phil thoughtfully. "Three large pizzas!" 

'WHAT?' Phil mouthed, but Dan shook his hand in Phil's direction dismissively.

"Yeah, put whatever you want on them, we'll eat 'em!" Dan clicked off the phone and giggled. 

"Three pizzas?" Phil asked in disbelief. "Dan, we're not the hulk!" 

"Cold pizza is good, and this way we don't have to call for dinner too." Phil considered this for a moment, then shrugged and nodded, deeming it as good reasoning.

They ditched the game and flicked on the TV to a planet earth. Phil didn't know why, but he  _loved_ nature documentaries when he was drunk, and Dan seemed to share his fascination. They sipped on their glasses as they watched a grizzly bear hunt for salmon, to the smooth narration of David Attenborough. After a while there was a knock on the door, and Dan looked to Phil, who groaned and got up. He paid the delivery man, giving him a generous tip, then returned and they dug into the first pizza, covered in spicy sausage and red onions. 

They ate and drank and allowed themselves to become entranced by the beautiful nature shots of the documentary. When it was over, Phil began pouring himself another drink, as his had gotten unacceptably low.

"Phiiiiiiiiiwwwwwwwwwwwww..." Dan began, and Phil knew that whenever he used that tone it meant he wanted something. Phil looked up from the glass he was pouring, and his suspicions were confirmed as he saw Dan's head tilted down, his eyes wide as they gazed up through his dark lashes at Phil, his lower lip jutted out in an adorable pout.

"What do you want?" Phil asked flatly, trying to keep up the annoyed act he put up whenever Dan asked him for something Dan could easily do himself.

"Will you get us a blanket?" Dan asked, and Phil sighed. 

"Fineeee." He agreed, getting up and returning with a soft blanket. His drunk self may have intentionally chosen the smaller one, so that he had to move to Dan's side of the couch, sitting close enough that their thighs brushed as Phil sat.

"Thank you, Philly." Dan grinned as he pulled the blanket over him. "You're amazing. You chose good branding all those years ago." Dan laughed at his joke, and Phil giggled a bit. 

"You _should_ be thankful. You owe me." Phil said, reaching out for another slice of pizza.

"I know, I know. How can I make it up to you?" Dan asked, leaning forward and grabbing Phil's wrist, making him turn towards Dan and meet his eye. 

Dan was only a few inches away from Phil, and he immediately felt his insides go light as his heart rate increased and his cheeks flushed. Dan looked at him with intent eyes, sincere in wanting to know how he could repay Phil.

"Uh... I was just joking. You don't owe me anything." Phil stammered, but Dan kept his grip on Phil's wrist.

"No... no like really. What do you want me to do for you?" Dan asked, furrowing his brow to indicate how serious he was.

"Dan..." Phil started, because didn't Dan  _know_ what Phil wanted from him? Why would he do this to him? "Dan I think you know what I want... but I'm not going to get it so that's okay." Phil removed his hand to take a sip of wine, needing more alcohol for this. 

"No... what? I  _don't_ know what you want, Phil. That's why I'm asking you." So he _didn't_ know. He really was oblivious. Phil sighed as he downed the rest of his glass. If there was any time for this it was going to be now, and he knew he'd hate himself tomorrow if he wasted this opportunity.

"Dan, isn't it obvious? I've had a crush on you for ages." Dan's eyes widened as he leaned back a bit in shock. "It doesn't matter... I mean I've been fine until now, we're just friends and that's okay. But to answer your question, if I had something I wanted from you, that'd be it." Dan looked down, eyes wide and mouth opening and closing in shock.

"Phil... I... I don't know what to say." Dan was clearly trying hard to wrap his mind around this and respond coherently in his drunken state.

"It's okay. I know you don't feel the same way, it's fine. Just forget I said anything." Phil pressed his lips into a tight line. "I'm gonna go get that second bottle." 

He walked to the kitchen and grabbed the bottle, uncorking it. He took a moment to lean against the counter before returning to the living room. He told Dan. He did it. He did it and Dan hadn't screamed at him. Of course, the tiny hope that had been in the back of his brain that Dan would smile and kiss him and everything would be happy was squashed, but he hadn't truly expected it so he wasn't all that torn up. He sighed, preparing himself for facing Dan again, then returned to the room, refilling both their glasses and taking a drink.

"Phil... I'm sorry. I just..." 

"It's okay, Dan."

"It's just... you're my best friend..."

"No, like. It's really okay. It's been for a while, and I've known nothing would come of it, so it's easy to deal with. I barely think about it, honestly." Phil tried to brush it off. 

"Are... are you sure it's okay?"

"It's fine, Dan. Can we stop talking about this?" Phil asked, shifting his eyes to meet Dan's, and after a moment Dan gave a small nod. Phil returned it, and then picked up the remote, starting the next Planet Earth.

"I'm sorry, Phil." Dan repeated, and Phil sighed, pulling him into a hug.

"It's okay. Nothing's changed, alright?" Dan nodded into Phil's chest, and they spent the rest of the movie eating pizza and drinking, until Dan fell asleep on Phil's shoulder.

 

 


	2. Chapter Two

Phil sighed as he tucked Dan into bed. He placed two advil capsules down on Dan's nightstand next to a full glass of water, knowing Dan would need it when he woke. He was trashed.

Phil, on the other hand, had sobered up very quickly. He felt strange. He wasn't sad, but he also wasn't as happy and relieved as he had hoped. Instead, he just felt numb. The drunkenness had disappeared - well not disappeared entirely of course, but it had significantly lowered, and now he just stared at Dan. 

Dan, who he loved. Dan, who did not love him. Phil let out a deep sigh, as he finally allowed himself to accept this. He had to move on. He had to get over this, because Dan _didn't_ love him, and if Dan was going to fall for him it would have already happened. Phil couldn't waste the rest of his life waiting for something that wasn't going to happen. He'd always wanted a family, children, a dog. Sure, maybe he could feel as if he were fulfilling _parts_ of these with Dan, but he'd never be getting what he truly wished for, what he truly  _needed,_ so now it was time to let go.

Phil walked up so he was standing right next to Dan on the bed, and he placed a hand on the sleeping boy's shoulder.

"Goodnight." He whispered, and turned. He didn't look back, but he left the door open so Dan could call if he needed something. Phil climbed into bed, and made a decision before he closed his eyes. 

Tomorrow was the start of a new life. Tomorrow was the day he was no longer hoping for a future with Dan Howell. Tomorrow he was officially done.

 

* * *

 

 

Unfortunately, that's not how life works, and while in a drunken daze you may _feel_ like you can shut down feelings overnight, when you wake up with a hammering migraine and all you want is for someone to hold you and whisper that everything will be alright, it's hard not to wish it was the man you loved. The man who was in his room just mere meters away from Phil. 

Needless to say, Phil didn't get over it on the first day. Things were awkward for a bit, but after a few serious conversations, Phil convinced Dan that it was okay, and their relationship went back to normal. It took much longer than Phil had told himself in a drunken haze. It didn't happen overnight. No... it took exactly four months and twenty two days. Four months and twenty two days of trying, waiting, hoping, struggling. Phil worked desperately to get over Dan, and when he walked into a bookstore one day and began to hit it off with an incredibly attractive guy named Adam who was sipping coffee while reading Stephen King, Phil realized his hard work may have paid off.

Adam was incredible. He had striking green eyes set under dark and full eyebrows. His chin was covered in permanent stubble that Phil found incredibly attractive. He was thin but muscular, and just a little shorter than Phil, but aside from Dan, who wasn't?

Phil lost track of time until his phone started ringing. It was Dan.

"Oh, um... I'm so sorry I have to take this. Just one sec." Phil said to Adam, smiling at him, then looking away and blushing when Adam grinned back, looking Phil in the eye.

"Hey, what's up? Yeah. Yeah, I'm just at the bookstore. Oh, crap really?" Phil pulled his phone away to check the time, then put it back to his ear. "I'm so sorry, I'll be right there!" He hung up and shoved the phone into his pocket. 

"I am so sorry. I completely lost track of time, I have to go. It was really nice meeting you, though." 

"You too." Adam smiled, and he stood up and held his arms out for a hug. Phil went into them, hugging back and enjoying Adam's warmth. He enjoyed it even more when they pulled apart, and Phil saw Adam hold forward a napkin with a number on it. 

"Call me." Adam winked, and then he turned and was gone, and Phil was left with a stupidly dopey grin on his face.

 

* * *

 

 

"Phil where were you?" Dan asked as Phil rushed into the room, checking his fringe.

"Sorry, I was at the library. I just lost track of time." Phil mumbled, plopping down in his desk chair and leaning up to the camera and monitor to make himself video-ready.

"We were supposed to film an hour ago!" Dan whined, but really it was just for the principle of complaining, not because he actually had anything else to do that would get messed up by filming later.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry." Phil repeated, deeming that his fringe was tame enough, and sitting back.

"You're blushing. Why are you blushing?" Dan asked. He'd never claimed to have tact.

"Oh uh... nothing. It was just... cold outside." Phil mumbled, trying to change the subject. "Okay so how should we do the intro?"

"Phil it's summer. It's not cold outside. Why are you blushing?" Dan grinned at this question, relishing in Phil's discomfort. He reached out a finger to prod at Phil's ribs, and Phil yelped.

"Okay, okay, I give up, you win! I met this guy at the library. We got to talking, and when I left he gave me his number. It's probably nothing..."

"Phil, that's not nothing! That's great! You haven't dated in so long, that's excellent! What's his name?"

"Adam. He likes the same books as me, he's really smart, he's a lawyer, he's cute... I don't know. I guess I'm just excited." Phil grinned, and Dan smiled. He was happy his friend had met someone. After he'd learned that Phil had a crush on him months ago, Dan had thought about trying to set him up with someone.

He gave up when he realized Phil probably would see right through  _why_ Dan was trying to set him up, and that would just be awkward. That was just added to the fact that Dan could never find anyone who came  _close_ to deserving of Phil, in his mind.

But Phil liked this new guy, Adam, and Dan was happy for him. "You should have him over for dinner. Let me check him out, determine if he's worthy."

"DAN!" Phil whacked Dan's arm, laughing.

"What? I have to make sure the people you date deserve you!" They were both giggling now. "Does he know about Youtube?" Dan asked, suddenly curious if this 'Adam' had seen him.

"No... I told him I make videos, and told him my channel name, though. He said he'd watch them."

"How do you think he'll feel about... well, you know..." Dan made a gesture between the two boys, raising his eyebrow.

"Oh, I gave him fair warning."

"How do you give a guy fair warning about that? 'Hey, I live with my best friend who the  _entire world_ ships me with, to the extent of writing entire erotica novels about us.'" Dan decided not to mention the part where Phil had actually shipped them too for a while. 

"I just told him that I have a flatmate who's also my best friend and we work together on youtube. And then I mentioned the fact that literally everyone wants us to be in love, but we like to keep relationships private so we just don't address it much." Dan nodded slowly.

Was it really that simple? Could anyone just  _be okay_ with that? Because in Dan's experience, people were definitely  _not_ okay with that, and he'd given up on dating long ago, after the fourth person had left him the minute they'd began their online search. It was fine, Dan didn't mind too much. Sure, everyone got lonely sometimes, but he had Phil to talk to when he was lonely, and if he got  _really_ lonely, he had his laptop and a perfectly functional hand.

"Well that's awesome that he's so cool with it. Keep me updated with how things go! You ready to film?" Dan asked, adjusting the camera.

Phil nodded, and they hit record.

 

It was one week later, and Phil had been on two dates with Adam. Dan was really happy for his friend. Tonight Phil and Adam were having their third date, and then they were coming back to the flat. Dan was going to meet the man he'd heard  _so_ much about over the past week. Don't get him wrong, he was happy for Phil, but  _my god_ his friend couldn't seem to talk about anything else. Dan brushed it off as new relationship excitement, and allowed Phil to obsess. 

"Alright, Dan, I'm headed out! Do I look okay?" Phil asked with a nervous grin on his face.

"Yeah, you've just got a little..." Dan got up and walked over to Phil, adjusting his fringe for him. "There." He said, looking down at Phil, just a few inches away from his friend.

"Alright, I look good?" Phil asked, biting his lip.

"Yeah, Phil. Yeah, you look great, go get him." Dan smiled and stepped back.

"Thanks, mate!" Phil grinned, and then he was gone, and the house was quiet.

Dan hated being alone. The house felt empty and quiet and... just somewhat _sad_ when Phil was gone. Dan tried to distract himself. 

He cleaned a bit, trying to make sure the house was nice for when Adam got back. He made himself some pasta, and then sat down to edit a video. Time passed slowly. It felt like every time he looked at the clock, expecting an hour or two to have passed, it was only ten or fifteen minutes later. 

His mind kept wandering from the editing. He kept thinking about Phil. Where was Phil now? What was he doing? Was Adam good enough for Phil? Dan was pretty sure he already knew the answer to that one, because Phil was a freaking gift to this earth, and no one was good enough for him. 

Dan sighed, thinking back over the past week. Phil had been distant. It was barely noticeable, but Dan could tell. Time he used to spend talking to Dan excitedly about their favorite anime or ideas for new videos was now spent excitedly telling him about Adam, and anytime Dan mentioned a video idea Phil would just say something along the lines of, "Yeah sure, whatever, sounds good." In the past, Dan and Phil had both agreed that they hated people who were on their phones while they watched a movie, but lately it didn't matter what they were doing, Phil's eyes were glued to his phone, and Dan had actually felt like he had to compete with the small technological rectangle lately.

Dan's thoughts trailed over these things as he stared blankly at his computer monitor. Were these going to get better when the relationship got less new, or was this only the start? Dan couldn't help but feel a little put off by Adam because of all this, but he knew he had to try to give him a fair chance when they were introduced. Dan just missed his best friend. He'd never had a best friend until Phil, and the idea of losing him was scary. They were the most important people in each others' lives and had been for a long time, but now Dan was feeling threatened. 

Dan didn't make much progress editing.

His ears perked up when he heard the front door being opened, and he took in a deep breath, standing and preparing to meet Adam. He took a quick glance in the mirror to make sure he looked alright, then walked out. He followed their voices, intending on meeting them in the lounge. The voices moved and he followed, wondering where they were going. 

Finally he ended up outside of Phil's door, realizing they had gone in there and shut the door, and realizing he  _really_ was not meant to follow. He left quickly, heading back to his room. 

What had just happened? He was supposed to be meeting Adam, right? So why had they just gone directly to Phil's room, where Dan had heard them... giggling... He supposed he should be happy for his best friend. Happy that his friend was getting laid... but he wasn't. He wasn't, because he was supposed to meet this guy, but then Phil just... must have forgotten about him. Phil had forgotten about Dan. 

Dan took a deep breath in and out, trying to cool the burning flame in the pit of his stomach. Why was he getting so worked up over this? It wasn't like Phil was  _trying_ to do anything to hurt Dan, he just had forgotten, and that should be alright.

It wasn't alright.

Dan brushed his teeth angrily, then laid down in bed. He stared at the ceiling for a while, and it shocked him how angry he was. He decided to just sleep it off, but he couldn't. Dan sat up until four in the morning, staring at the ceiling so hard he was somewhat surprised his gaze didn't burn a hole in it. 


	3. Chapter Three

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for only uploading once really today, I've been incredibly sick :\

Dan was up long before Phil and Adam. He stumbled tiredly to the kitchen, made himself some coffee, and leaned back against the counter. He was grumpy. He didn't really have a reason to be, but he was, and the coffee was bitter and gross, but Dan felt like letting himself be miserable so he didn't add any cream or sugar.

Dan wasn't sure how long he stayed there, relishing in his misery, before Phil waltzed into the room. Phil's step was lively and he had an annoyingly large smile on his face. He was clad in only pajama pants which hung low on his hips.

"Hey, Dan!" Phil chirped cheerily as he got out everything he needed to make a big breakfast of pancakes, eggs, and bacon. "Do you want some breakfast? I was gonna make some for me and Adam, but I can make extra for you if you want." 

"No thanks." Dan said flatly. Dan remembered when Phil used to make him breakfast. It wasn't often, but it'd happen here and there. He hadn't done it in a long time. 

Truly, Dan's mouth was watering at the idea of the food Phil was cooking, but something turned him off it, not liking the idea of having Phil just 'throw in some extra' out of his meal with Adam. Dan grumpily poured himself a bowl of cereal.

"Hey, Dan, are you okay?" Phil asked, concern in his voice. Of course Phil would pick up on Dan's annoyance, not like he was trying to hide it. Dan didn't look up to see the expression on Phil's face.

"Fine, thanks. Have a nice night?" Even as he asked, he was leaving the room and returning to his room, barely hearing the 'Yeah... thanks?' Phil quietly called after him. He was probably being quiet so he didn't wake Adam. Adam who Dan still hadn't met. Fucking Adam. Dan hated Adam. 

Rather than figure out why Dan felt so angry towards the man he hadn't met, who was clearly making his best friend happy, Dan plopped down on his bed. He decided he felt miserable enough to warrant breakfast in bed, and slurped his cereal as he mindlessly scrolled through Tumblr. 

Eventually, Dan heard Adam leave Phil's room, and heard him and Phil laughing and talking in the kitchen. So darn happy. Dan grimaced. 

He reached for his headphones and slipped them over his head, turning on some Panic! to try to drown out the voices down the hall. It worked. 

Two hours later, Dan didn't hear the knock on his door. He missed the next two as well, but his eye caught the light of his screen as he got a new text from Phil.

**P: Are you awake? Can I come in?**

**D: yeah sure**

Dan took off his headphones as his door opened slowly, and he saw Phil peeking in.

"Is Adam gone?" Dan asked. He didn't know why this slipped out so fast, but he decided he didn't mind, because he  _did_ want to know. He felt like he couldn't relax with that unknown man in his house.

"Yeah, he left just a bit ago. Why didn't you come out, I thought you wanted to meet him?" Phil asked, wandering to Dan's bed and sitting down on one knee, the other leg draping over the side of the bed.

"Yeah, well that's what I thought too. I got all ready to introduce myself last night, but then you went straight to your room, and..." Dan trailed off there, never truly intending to finish that sentence.

"Oh..." was all Phil said. "Is that why you've been upset today?"

Dan glowered at Phil. He hated the condescending use of the term 'upset'. "No. I'm not upset. Just was ready to talk to him yesterday, not today. I'm not feeling social, okay?" He snapped, looking back to his tumblr feed.

"Oh... okay. I'm sorry." Phil said, and Dan could tell he was confused. "I didn't mean to... I didn't know you were expecting to be introduced last night. I'm sorry, Dan." there was real sincerity in his voice, but Dan didn't feel ready to cave quite yet, so he just shrugged.

"I don't even really care." The only problem is that he did. He did, and he might have just set up a really bad start for himself if Phil was planning on Adam coming over more often, which by the way he was glowing, seemed likely. Dan decided to mention it. "I mean, it's not like I'm ever going to run into him again, right?" Dan didn't look up, but he could  _feel_ Phil's eyes widening.

"Dan... you can't be serious... right?" Phil asked, and Dan just shrugged in response. "You know I haven't dated in years. You must know that I don't do one night things." 

"Alright fine. I'll talk to him next time, happy?" Dan asked, and he heard Phil sigh. 

"You don't have to if you don't want. I mean, of course I'd like my best friend to like my boyfriend, but I don't want to force you to talk to someone you don't want to." 

Dan felt as if his heart stopped. His stomach leaped up into his throat, and he felt a tingling behind his eyes.  _Boyfriend?_ Phil and Adam were already serious enough to be calling each other boyfriends? Once again, Dan wasn't sure why this bothered him so much, but ohhhhhh it did. He chalked it up to worry that he was going to have to share Phil's friendship.

"Boyfriends, eh?" He said, relieved when his voice sounded nonchalant. 

"Yeah... as of last night." Phil said with a small smile in his voice. Dan knew his friend wanted him to be happy for him, but he just couldn't. 

"Wow." was all Dan said, and he heard Phil take in and then let out a long, controlled breath.

"Okay." Phil stated, all the friendly concern and eagerness from the conversation gone. "Come talk to me when you're not in such a mood, I can't deal with you like this." and Phil got up and left. Dan still didn't look up.

 

* * *

 

 

Two hours later found Dan still on tumblr, but now he was on the 'phan' tag. He didn't know how he got here, but he knew that it had been a while ago, and he probably should have clicked off by now. He continued.

He scrolled through picture after picture of gorgeous art drawn by their fans, depicting Dan and Phil holding hands, kissing, with children. These were intermingled through thousands of gifs of Dan staring longingly at Phil, and sometimes Phil looking back. Dan realized that almost every gif of these, they weren't looking at each other. Whoever was being watched was unaware, still talking to the camera.

Dan laughed a little at the fact that he was the 'starer' in most of these. Hadn't it been only a few months ago that Phil had admitted to liking Dan for years? As more than friends? Why didn't he gaze at Dan adoringly more often? Dan found himself getting annoyed at the lack of what their fans called 'Love eyes Lester', and decided to actually look it up. 

He spent several minutes scrolling through more gifs and pictures, and now he was feeling more satisfied, seeing all the times the fans had picked out Phil's glances at him. It made Dan happy, and he was relaxed for the first time today. That all went away as he heard a knock on the door. 

"Come in!" He shouted a little too hastily as he quickly changed tabs. 

"Hey." Phil said shyly, standing in the doorway. "I just wanted to say I'm sorry. I brought someone into our house, I didn't introduce you, and then I got mad at you and stormed out just because you're in a bad mood. You're my best friend, I'm supposed to help you through grumpy days, not snap and abandon you." 

Dan squinted his eyes at Phil. Was Phil really apologizing, when Dan knew he'd been an asshole for the past day? He still had a pit of discomfort in his stomach, combined with a strange want to be hostile towards Phil that he couldn't explain, but he sighed and shrugged it off.

"It's fine, I've been a jackass today. Here, come, sit." Dan patted the bed next to him, and Phil came up and joined him, looking at the laptop.

"So... that google homepage is real interesting, isn't it?" Phil asked with a slight laugh behind his voice, cocking an eyebrow at Dan. "Porn?" If Dan had food in his mouth he would have spit it across the room at Phil's bluntness. 

"No!" He said indignantly. "I was just..." Phil was peering closer now, though, looking at the titles of the tabs Dan had open. Dan desperately wanted to click away, but he knew that wasn't possible anymore.

"Love eyes Lester?" Phil asked, raising another eyebrow as he read out the title of the Tumblr tab. Dan felt his face go red as he shrugged.

"I just saw a cool edit and clicked on it." he justified, but then Phil was clicking on the tab, and Dan felt his heart drop.

"Dan, you searched for this and you've scrolled past hundreds of these! Maybe thousands!" Phil had a huge grin across his face as he looked through them. "I look cute in these!" He said, looking back to Dan and raising his eyebrows playfully. "Don't'cha think?" Dan's face went even redder.

"We both look way better in all these edits than in real life. The phandom finds the best filters." Phil nodded, and went up to the search bar. Dan froze in horror as he watched his friend type out ' **Heart eyes Howell** '

"Phil what are you doing?" Dan asked, trying to keep the energy light, really not wanting to look through this tag with Phil.

"Just curious!" Phil looked over at Dan, and seeing his horrified expression, sighed exasperatedly. "It's not like it isn't something I've seen before. Not just in real life, but you _do_ know that for years I'd search this like... daily. I just haven't looked at it in a while, want to see what new things they've found!" Phil kept scrolling and Dan could now feel his blush reaching his ears.

Was it not weird to Phil to talk so openly about the fact that he had liked Dan? Had he  _really_ looked up this tag daily? Why? How was he so nonchalant about looking through all these relationship-implying posts about the two of them, while sat right next to each other on Dan's bed? Also, why did it make Dan a little sad that he hadn't searched it in a while?

Dan stayed silent as Phil scrolled through pages and pages of images of Dan looking at Phil as if he were the sole provider of good in the world. 

After a while, Phil stopped searching, and looked back to Dan. "Okay, so what do you want to do?" Dan was still a bit stunned. Was Phil really not weirded out by  _any_ of this?

"Uh... I don't know. Watch a movie?" Phil nodded, and pulled something up on Dan's Netflix. They ended up sitting next to each other on Dan's bed, arms brushing, as they watched the first Pirates of the Caribbean. 

Phil didn't take out his phone to text Adam during the movie, and Dan smiled. He enjoyed this. It was like old times, just hanging out together and enjoying their friendship... alone. 

When they brushed their teeth together and parted for bed, Dan felt a little tingle rush through him as Phil pulled him in for a hug. As Dan laid down in his bed to sleep, he realized he was smiling. He hadn't lost his best friend, and maybe just  _maybe_ he could be okay with this whole Adam thing, just so long as it didn't affect him and Phil.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again I just wanted to thank you all for just being such an incredibly wonderful and supportive community <3 Love you guys <3


	4. Chapter Four

Four months passed, and Phil and Adam were closer than ever. Dan had met Adam, and he had to admit that the guy was nice. He was attractive too, and Dan couldn't help but feel a bit threatened.

Dan and Phil had definitely grown a bit apart over the past four months. How couldn't you, when you were used to spending every waking moment together, and now one had a boyfriend? Dan tried to tell himself this, that it was all normal and to be expected, but he still found himself angry and resentful. 

Dan had begun to spend more time with Louise, hanging out with her and Darcy. Today he was there, trying to ignore the fact that Phil had spent the night at Adam's, and Dan hadn't seen him in over 24 hours, with not even a text to show. 

"Dan..." Louise started, after he checked his phone for probably the fifth time in one minute. 

"What?" He asked, feigning innocence.

"Has he still not texted?" Dan sighed, giving up the pretense that he was checking for anything other than a text from Phil.

"They've started saying the 'L' word." Dan said lowly, still looking at his dark screen. Louise took a few moments before responding.

"Is that such a bad thing?" She asked, craning her neck down so Dan was forced to look up and meet her gaze. He threw his hands up in frustration.

"I don't know, Louise! I don't know! We barely even talk anymore. He's always out, and when he's home he's texting Adam! The fans have even started to notice, Phil's distant and he... I don't know. He's changed." Dan mumbled, looking down again.

"Dan... I know Phil told you about how he felt..." Dan's eyes snapped up to meet Louise's in surprise. "Do you think you're feeling this way... well, because he's treating you as a friend now?" Dan scowled. No, that wasn't it... was it? Had Dan subconsciously enjoyed being pined after? Having Phil tend to his every wish and constantly be looking for Dan's approval, since he wanted more? When Dan thought about it, they did have a more 'normal' friendship now. 

He hated that. He hated normal. He had always prided himself on how close he and Phil were, and he didn't want them to be 'normal'. Dan shook his head at the ground, slumping his shoulders.

"I don't know, Lou. Maybe."

"Do you think... and tell me if I'm out of line... but do you think maybe you miss that feeling because deep down, you like him too?" Dan looked back up at her, eyes cold.

"You _are_ out of line." He confirmed, and Louise nodded slightly, pressing her lips together in a line. "And no, I don't like him like that! I never have, we're just..." Dan trailed off, because what were they? They weren't just friends. Best friends had seemed to encompass what they were well enough before, but now that they were at a more standard place for normal best friends, Dan realized they had been something different. He didn't know what to call it. 

"We were just... I don't know. I don't know, Lou. All I know is that I hate Adam, and I hate that I hate him, because he's nice and he makes Phil happy, but I just can't stand seeing them together, and I miss Phil, and..." 

"Dan..." Louise's tone was soft, and a bit condescending, but when Dan looked up and met her eyes, he knew she wasn't trying to be malicious. 

"What?" He asked quietly.

"I think you need to talk to Phil. Tell him how you've been feeling. Even if you don't understand it, at least it'll help Phil know that you've been feeling neglected." Dan thought on this. His immediate response was to say no, but the more he thought of it the more it seemed like maybe it was the right idea. 

"Okay... yeah I'll talk to him. I'm gonna go... see if he's back at the flat." Dan mumbled, getting up and shoving his phone in his pocket.

"Good luck." Louise whispered as she pulled him into a hug. "If you need somewhere to stay tonight, my door is always open." Dan nodded in appreciation, and made his way to the tube, where he rode back to he and Phil's flat.

When he walked in, he was surprised to see Phil sitting alone in the lounge, reading a book. 

"Hey." Dan said quietly as he walked in.

"Hey." 

"Uh... Phil? Could we... Can we talk for a bit?" Dan asked, and Phil lowered his book, looking over the pages, surprised.

"Yeah -- yeah of course." Phil said, putting the book down on the table in front of him and giving Dan his full attention. They sat on opposite ends of the couch, turned and sat with their legs crossed so they were facing each other. 

"What did you want to talk about?" Phil asked, and Dan sighed, still not quite sure of his answer.

"I just... I guess I feel like we've grown apart. I miss you, Phil. And I know Adam makes you happy, and I'm glad that you're happy, but honestly I kind of hate how much he's changed our lives, and... I know it's not fair, but I've just been sitting in silence, and I felt like I should tell you what's been bothering me." Dan was looking down at his fingers which he played with, unable to meet Phil's eyes.

"Dan... I miss you too. You've just seemed so annoyed lately and I didn't know why, so I've been trying to give you your space... Dan, why haven't you mentioned this until now?" Phil asked, concern clear in his voice.

"I don't know. I guess it just kind of sank in that we don't feel like... like Dan and Phil anymore. We feel like Dan... and Phil." Dan gave an extra long pause before Phil's name, to indicate them being two separate pieces.

"And you think this is all because of Adam?" Phil asked, eyebrows furrowing in confusion. 

"Yeah! I mean, no... maybe it's a bit my fault. Since the day you... you told me... about stuff... I know I could have handled it better, and I know you pulled away from me. I understood that, and I thought it was just to help you, but then you go out and bring back this fucking _model_ of a guy, and all of a sudden you're spending all your time with him, and I never see you, and even when I do see you half of what you talk about is him, and I just miss you, and I feel like I made a mistake all those months ago when you first told me how you felt." The words came tumbling out of Dan before he could think about them, and as he finished, his hand shot to cover his mouth and his eyes widened in surprise. 

 _Why had he just said that?_ He'd never thought about doing what he did differently when Phil had told him. What could he have done differently? What had he even meant just seconds earlier?

Phil was staring at Dan, mouth slightly open, with a very careful and calculating look in his eye. 

"Dan... what do you mean you made a mistake?" Phil said the words slowly, punctuating each one individually, and keeping his voice perfectly level. 

"I don't know. I don't know, forget I said anything I'm sorry, I don't even know what I'm talking about, I'm a mess I just shouldn't have said anything... I..."

"Are you... are you jealous of Adam?" 

"NO! No, I mean. Yeah, like of him spending more time with you. I miss you. You treat him... well you treat him the way you used to treat me, and I know it's unfair for me to miss that, and it's unfair for me to want that, and I should just get over it, but it's hard, okay? It's hard to see you treat someone else that way." Dan sputtered, and he was so red he felt he could camouflage in front of a fire truck. 

"Dan... I only found Adam because you told me explicitly that you _didn't_  want me treating you like that. That you only saw me as a friend." Phil still kept his careful wording and unblinking eyes, and Dan was shifting back and forth, feeling unsettled.

"I know, I know, and I did."

"You _did_?" Phil asked, and once more Dan realized that his mouth had betrayed his brain, and he didn't even understand what was happening anymore.

"I mean I do. I don't know... I just. Phil, I miss the way we were." Phil drew in a deep breath, and chewed on one lip.

"Dan... I have to move forward with my life. I can't just go back to how we were... I can't keep waiting for someone who's never going to arrive. I love our friendship, but I need something more." Dan looked back down and away from Phil at this.

"I know... I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm just being stupid, I'm happy for you and Adam, and I'll shut up and you never have to hear about this from me again, okay?"

Phil seemed flustered as Dan got up. "Dan..." 

"I'm going to spend the night at Louise's..... I'll see you tomorrow?" Dan paused before the last bit, sighing as he said it, and when Phil nodded he felt the tiniest bit of hope. At least Phil still wanted to see him. At least they were still friends.

Dan cried on the tube to Louise's flat, still not understanding where all of this was coming from, but just knowing that it was too much for him.


	5. Chapter Five

What had just happened? Did Dan just admit to being jealous of Adam? Phil was left entirely confused as Dan hurried out of the flat, headed to Louise's. 

Did Dan have feelings for Phil? If he did, it was clear he hadn't realized yet, but everything he'd said pointed to the answer to the question being yes. 

Phil didn't know how to feel. He'd loved Dan for years. He still loved him... just in a different way. But Dan was his best friend, his first love, and such a long love... If he had a chance with him, was that something Phil was willing to give up?

On the other hand, Phil now had Adam. Sweet, kind, perfect Adam. Adam who Phil thought he loved. Adam who Phil found it easy to be with. But that was a bit of the problem, wasn't it? Things with Adam were easy. They never had trouble being around each other, never fought, and their lovemaking was nice... but easy. Nothing about their relationship was  _exciting_ or made Phil's heart race. Nothing was dangerous, the way it was liking Dan. It was just... easy. 

With Adam, Phil never felt those fireworks.

 _Easy is good..._ Phil thought to himself, trying to convince himself of this fact he'd been chewing on for months now. He tried to make himself believe this, though every time he thought it, a quiet voice continued,  _even though it's boring._

Phil spent the morning going back and forth, trying to figure out what to do. Stick with the person he knew he could have a relationship with, even if it was stale at times, or go for the chance that Dan might be suppressing something, and take a chance on getting the love of his life.

That thought drew him up short.  _The love of his life?_ Is that really what Dan was to Phil? He mulled this over for a long time, and when he finally made a decision, he picked up his things and hopped on the tube.

 

* * *

 

 

"Louise I talked to him." Dan said, pushing inside the house.

"How'd it go?" She asked with a sympathetic twinge to her tone, because they both knew that if he was here it probably had gone badly.

"I don't even know. Not good. I'm just... I just need to get over all this. I don't know why I'm acting so crazy and it's not fair to Phil... I just need to deal."

"Okay... If that's what you really think." Louise said, and waved for him to come further into the house.

"Let me make you some soup, okay?" Dan nodded gratefully, and followed his friend into the house. 

 

* * *

 

 

Phil left Adam's flat with a new sense of determination. He got back on the tube, and felt the nerves bubble in his stomach for what he was about to do.

When Phil arrived at Louise's and knocked on the door, Dan was the one to answer. He stood there in surprise, and Phil felt his heart jump into his throat, his nerves coming to their boiling point.

"Hey." He said weakly.

"Hey... what are you doing here?" Dan asked, looking slightly annoyed after the initial surprise that Phil had followed him.

"Um... can we not do this in the doorway?" Phil asked, looking inside, and begrudgingly Dan opened the door for Phil to enter. When he walked into the living room and saw Louise there, her face brightened.

"Phil, it's great to see you!" She smiled, pulling him in for a hug. "We'll give you two some space." She followed, picking up Darcy and giving the two boys pointed glances. Phil nodded thankfully, a small blush creeping to his cheeks. Soon they were alone, and Dan was standing awkwardly, looking at Phil expectantly, waiting for Phil's reasoning for being here.

"Uh..." Phil started, amazed that he hadn't prepared anything to say for this. "I broke up with Adam." he spurted out, and Dan's eyes widened.

"What?" 

"I broke up with Adam." Phil repeated, and Dan's eyebrows pulled together.

"Why?" He asked, and Phil shrugged. 

"Because he's not you." There. It was out in the open. Dan's eyes widened, and Phil continued. "Because my heart belongs to someone else, and they're worth the wait and the possible heartbreak, and if there's even the slightest chance that they could eventually love me back, I can't pass that up." 

"Phil --"

"Just. Don't. Can I please just... try something?" Phil asked, stepping one step closer to Dan. Dan gulped, and Phil could see the nervousness on his face.

"Yeah... okay." He barely whispered, and Phil took the second step to close the gap between them.

He slowly reached up one hand to cup Dan's cheek and jaw, wrapping the other around his friend's back, settling his hand between Dan's shoulder blades. Dan's hands found Phil's hips, and sat there, a bit awkward and formal, but Phil didn't expect anything less.

"You sure you're okay with me trying this?" Phil whispered, and now their faces were only inches apart, and Phil could see the fear in Dan's eyes.

"Yeah." Dan's voice was barely audible, but it was the confirmation Phil needed, and he leaned in. 

The kiss started soft, tentative. Phil lightly pressed their lips together, rubbing his thumb lightly over Dan's cheek in reassurance. It was stiff at first, but when Dan relaxed a bit, Phil took that as a sign that it was okay to take it to the next level. Phil parted his lips just slightly, taking Dan's upper lip in his, moving slowly. When Dan kissed back, lips opening and closing around Phil's bottom lip, he smiled slightly. 

"This okay?" He asked, lips brushing Dan's as he spoke. Dan just nodded quickly, still seeming extremely nervous and unsure. 

"I'm never going to get up the nerves to do this again, so since we're here, let's do it right." Dan whispered, and Phil opened his eyes to see Dan's staring back at him. Their foreheads were pressed together now, their mouths separated by about an inch. Phil gave a small nod, and Dan was the one to close the gap this time, pressing his mouth against Phil's.

This kiss was slightly more heated. It still started out slow, but it picked up pace, until Phil felt Dan open his mouth wider, and when Phil imitated this movement, he felt Dan's tongue enter his mouth. Phil slipped the hand that was on Dan's cheek back to the base of his neck, and grabbed a handful of hair, breathing in heavily through his nose as their tongues made careful explorations of this new territory. 

Phil felt Dan's hands around his waist wrap to the back, and grab at him more intently. This was the first time Phil allowed himself to get lost in the kiss, no longer worrying about what Dan was thinking, and now allowing himself to truly enjoy this. 

He was here. He was kissing Dan, the subject of years of pining, and now Phil was feeling Dan's tongue brush across the top of his own, and scrape back along the roof of his mouth, flicking on his teeth as it re-entered Dan's mouth. He was feeling Dan pulling him tighter and tighter against him, so Phil was fairly certain there was no physical way they could get any closer. 

Dan let out a small growl from deep in his throat as Phil gently nipped his lower lip, and Phil grinned, opening his eyes and looking at Dan. Dan's eyes were still closed, but opened soon and he mimicked Phil's smile, lower lip still held in Phil's teeth. 

"Good experiment?" Phil asked, allowing Dan's lip to snap back in place, and Dan's grin widened. 

"Great experiment." Dan said, leaning back in, and now Phil felt the fireworks. 

 

* * *

 

 

"Phiiiiiiiiiiilllllllllll!" Dan called out, a mischievous smile tickling his lips.

"What do you want?" Phil called back form the kitchen.

"Bring me coffee in bed? Pweeeeeeeese?" Dan could actually hear Phil sigh from rooms away, and chuckled to himself. He loved being lazy and getting Phil to do things for him. 

Five minutes later, sure enough, Phil was walking through his door with a cup of steaming coffee, rich with cream and sugar, just like Dan liked. 

"Why do I do these things for you?" Phil asked, shaking his head at himself.

"Because you love me, that's why!" Dan grinned, taking the coffee.

"You're right." Phil smiled, kneeling onto the bed and leaning forward for a kiss. When Phil tried to pull away, Dan leaned in, continuing it for a few more seconds.

"I love you too, Philly." Dan grinned, and Phil shook his head as he chuckled.

"Shut up."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for reading this all the way through, and thank you SkyePenderwick for the prompt :)


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